Gaijin Tonic

Well, as 2007 draws to a close, it’s time for me to look back at the past twelve months through rose-tinted beer-goggles. As usual in Japan, the year has been an eventful blur, clouded by jet-lag, sensory overload and lashings of booze. (Luckily I’ve been keeping a record of my drunken antics on this blog.)
And so, I’ve decided to round off another great year in Japan by honouring my delightful Japanese hosts and hostesses with my own little acknowledgments for oft-overlooked achievements, chosen entirely by yours truly, just for the hell of it.

First off, The Award for MOST GROTESQUE DRINK IN JAPAN goes to…

“Bilk”

This revolting-sounding concoction is a mixture of beer and milk. Apparently it’s a fruity beer aimed at women, and was conceived as a way to use up surplus milk. It sounds like something that’s been milked out of a cow with alcohol-poisoning. I balk at the idea of drinking Bilk.
A close runner up is…

“Choco-Bear Beer.”

Choco-Bear Beer sounds like an idea Willy Wonka might have in a moment of drunken madness. It tastes like the liquid you might vomit up after an ill-advised post-pub Snickers bar.

Next, The Award for BIGGEST ODDBALL IN JAPAN goes to…

This endearing eccentric, who can often be spotted cycling around at festivals in the Yokohama area, wearing fake boobies and a giant hat which looks like Elton John’s wedding cake.

He’s clearly insane, but he’s a welcome antidote to the traditional Japanese obsession with conformity.

Moving on, The Award for MOST OUTRAGEOUSLY OFFENSIVE JAPANESE NIGHTCLUB FLYER goes to…

Not only is “MONKEEEEEE FUUUUUUCK!” the best name for an event in the history of the world, but “Fuck Masta Fuck” is surely the best DJ name ever, as well.
Another great flyer I found this year featured the DJ with the funniest name ever:

He shouldn’t be so hard on himself.

Sticking with the strange use of English, The Award for MOST RIDICULOUS BAR NAME goes to…

Bollocks Paradium, in Kyoto, for managing to incorporate a spelling mistake and a rude slang word in it’s short name. Excellent work!

There was also stiff competition from the similarly absurd bars, White Lover, Bar Sushi and Men, Labia, and countless other establishments which you can read about here.

The Award for BEST ALCOHOL-RELATED ACCESSORY goes to…

These “Yopparai Oyaji Straps” (Drunken Old Man Mobile-Phone Straps), made by Strap Ya.

Kids, be the talk of the playground with your very own puking, alcoholic businessman phone strap.

The runner up is this hilariously pointless Sake-Bottle USB key.

Sure to drive alcoholic businessmen to distraction while they work.

And last but not least, The Award for WEIRDEST NOVELTY BAR IN JAPAN goes to…

Kagaya, in Shinbashi, which, frankly, is could win the title hands down any year. The chief appeal of this utterly mental Shimbashi pub is the amazing host, Mark Kagaya, who surprises his customers by making them play weird games, and serves drinks in surreal international costumes. The menu is a puppet show. You can read more about it here.

So, those are some of the highlights of my year, remembered through the mist of a hundred hangovers.