Gaijin Tonic

Time for another dispatch from the Land of the Rising Blood-Alcohol Level. First off, look at this flyer I found for a party in Tokyo which is especially for idiots. Looks fun! I would have felt at home there but, idiot that I am, I entirely forgot about it until about five minutes ago.

How nice that someone thought to throw a party just for morons. I wonder if all the PE teachers could make it.

This party goes to show that in Tokyo everyone is looked after. Indeed, no matter who you are, there’s a place for you to party on down. For instance, there’s a pub in Shinjuku just for people called Keith.

…and there’s another one just for people with the name Harrison.

If your name is Keith Harrison you’re particularly well catered for.

There’s even a bar in Roppongi for private detectives. Gumshoes can drink at “Detective Bar Answer” and chat to fellow private dicks, and potential clients can come there to secure their services in a casual setting. The bar staff are, themselves, moonlighting detectives, and they decorate the walls of the bar with investigation reports and surveillance photos. They even have novelty cocktails and snacks with names like “Love-Hate Relationship” and “Capricious Nuts.”

I’d imagine Detective Bar Answer is a good place to pick up women, because it’s full of jealous housewives keen on cuckolding their philandering hubbies. But, if that is your intention, Roppongi has no end of sleazy establishments. Also in Roppongi is an S&M-themed bar called “Fetish Bar Mistress” with assorted Mistresses and slaves in attendance to serve you (or vice-versa.)

So, no matter what kind of weird shit you’re into, you’ll find somewhere to go in Tokyo.

When I go to to clubs and gigs around Tokyo, I usually pick up flyers for upcoming events. These phantasmagorical flyers, hastily designed by eccentric art-school graduates and drug-addled musicians, often turn out to be more spectacular than the events themselves.
Just the names of the events, musicians and DJs, can be surprising. For example…

“MONKEEEEEE FUUUUUUCK!” is an eye-catching name if ever I’ve seen one. If that’s not enough, “Fuck Masta Fuck” is surely the best DJ name ever.
Similarly offensive is the following flyer for Club Mass, where you can listen to “wanky techno” courtesy of the delightfully-named “DJ Cunt”.

There’s also the silly “DJ Cak”…

…and last but not least, the unbelievable “VJ Pile of Dog Shit.” He shouldn’t be so hard on himself.

Let’s hope they all team up for a song, appear on “The Disney Club” and top the billboard charts (”…and at number one this week is DJs Fuck Masta Fuck, Cak, Pile of Dog Shit and Cunt!”)

As well as this colourful use of the English language, there are also some amusing misspellings on Japanese nightclub flyers, as you can see below.

This flyer intructs us to “bring bring” but what is it that we’re supposed to be bringing? Bring a bottle? Bring the noise? Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia?

I’m not sure that people will be lining up to hear this “bland new mix.” It sounds as if they’ll be spinning Enya and Kenny G all night.

The flyer below appears to be promising discounts for customers who bring kitchen equipment.

And the words aren’t all that’s freaky on Japanese flyers, the illustrations are equally mind-blowing, like the two, frankly disturbing ones below.

Who knows what kind of antics go on at those parties, but I’m sure they’re fun for all the family. Don’t forget to bring Granny!

Time for another amazing and amusing nightclub flyer. The party below, an wild and eccentric costume event organized by “Tokyo Decadance,” appeals to me chiefly because the flyer says “Alluring ladies and randy gentlemen need to enter pleasing.” Who could resist such a sales pitch?

Here’s a link to the Tokyo Decadence website. Their parties look pretty damn mental. I must go!

I’ve found another contender for the mantle of Japan’s most ridiculously named DJ. “DJ Cak” is hot on the heels of “DJ C*nt” and “DJ Pile of Dog Sh*t”

Here’s yet another outrageously offensive Japanese nightclub flyer from my prized collection. This one features a DJ with an X-rated name. Can you spot it? I also like the fact the the DJs describe themselves as purveyors of “Wanky techno.” They are their own worst critics!

Hold the front page- this has to be the best name for a nightclub event ever!

Surely a night called “MONKEEEEEE FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!” can only be amazing. Although I have no idea what to expect, I think I’m going to have to check this out. It’s in Club Oath in Aoyama this Friday. In case you’re not yet convinced, one of the DJs is called “Fuck Masta Fuck.” Enough said.
You can find more information at this website.

In my drunken ramblings around Tokyo this weekend, I ended up with several flyers for clubs and live concerts, as usual. Below is a free magazine called “L.A.M.E.” The title is an acronym for “Lastrum Music Entertainment,” but I’m guessing they don’t know what it means.

You can check out the L.A.M.E website here.

I also found a flyer for a ragga nightclub. I doubt I’ll go to the place, however, because apparently you need to bring a large piece of kitchen equipment in order to enter.

While wandering in and out of the bars, cafes, shops and art galleries of Tokyo, I often pick up flyers for upcoming parties and events. Sometimes I happen upon flyers which suggest that there are things going on in the city are too freaky to comprehend. Below are a couple of truly weird flyers which recently caught my eye.
First is something called “Department H presents: Salon KITTYFIRE 2099″ which takes place on the first Saturday of each month, in the J-Pop Cafe in Shibuya (which is where Rinko Kikuchi flashed her you-know-what in the film “Babel,” movie buffs.)

God knows what goes on at this place, but it involves Burlesque, dancers, music and Drag Queens. The back of the flyer says “Don’t ask! Just Come.” You can find out more at the website.
Even more crazy is the slightly terrifying-sounding “Sadistic Circus,” which is billed as a “Fetish Spectacle Party” and “a forbidden festival of passion.”

According to the Sadistic Circus Website “the program includes “Yasukuni-Shrine Freak Show,” “Fire Breathing and Balance Ball Circus,” “Magic Show by Arabian Beauty Troupe,” “Witch and Spider Woman,” “Dark Gothic Dance of Homosexuals,” “Tickle Wrestling by Female Office Workers in Their Uniform,” “Dance Show by Naked Beauties Powdered in Gold,” “Shudderingly Exciting! Bound Show,” “Blood Spitting Show by Self-Tied Beauty,” “Kinky Photographer’s Live Shooting Show,” “Sado-Masochistic Hanging Show,” “Foreign Sadistic Man and Masochistic Japanese Women,” “Taming Show of the Beast Woman,” “Explosive Taming Show,” “The Advent of the Queen” and so forth.”
They go on to say there is “no admittance to pregnant women, people under 20 and those who have heart problems. This is a secret party for fetishistic adults and kinky somnambulists in the city. Feel free to express yourself with a costume such as bondage or rubber.”
…Bloody Hell!

I found a flyer for a hip-hop shop in Yokohama which takes pride in their products being “bland.” They use the word “bland” no less than eight times on their flyer, so being dull and uninspiring must be their ethos!

I’m interested in this “bland new mix.” Presumably it features Kenny G and the Lighthouse Family.

I laughed when I spotted this colourful flyer for a club night in Shibuya called “Scouse! Japan.”
For non-UK readers, a Scouser is a person from Liverpool, who stereotypically has curly hair and a moustache and looks like this:

The thought of all things Liverpudlian becoming a craze in Japan is bewildering (although the Beatles are still phenomenally popular). It’d be funny if the Japanese teenagers started wearing Scouser costumes.

Apparently, at the event the DJs will be spinning “Scouse House”, which a little research tells me is a form of House music, popular in the North-West of England, which evolved from Happy Hardcore. I’ve been in Japan so long I’m out of touch- I’ve never heard of it.
I’m still not entirely sure what the hell “The United Kingdom of Donk” means, however.

Scousers are already well-represented in Japan by the character on the signs for Shirokiya Izakayas (pictured below). This moustachioed mascot bears an uncanny resemblance to a stereotypical Liverpudlian, and can be seen outside Japanese pubs across the land. My god, it’s a Scouse invasion!

Here’s a link to a site about the “Scouse! Tokyo” party. Looks quite fun!: Scouse! Tokyo