Gaijin Tonic

I’ve recently happened upon a pretty good site called Buy Absinthe- link to homepage Buy Absinthe, which is all about the incredibly strong and supposedly hallucinogenic green booze favoured by Victorian poets and painters.
As an aspiring writer and generally bohemian kind of a character, I am drawn to this potent green elixir and I sometimes glug it to fuel my late night literary endeavours. This brain-scrambling concoction gives you a weird buzz, and makes wandering around the day-glo streets of Tokyo even more fun and surreal than before.

It’s an acquired taste- my first impression was of ouzo mixed with mouthwash, but I grew to like it after a few helpings.
Of course, Absinthe can be expensive and hard to get hold of in Japan, but you can order a variety of different blends for decent prices from Buy Absinthe Alcohol, and they’ll deliver it. It’s an ideal gift for the jaded drunkard who has drunk everything (such as me).

Epicurean absinthe purists wouldn’t approve of guzzling the green potion straight from the bottle just to get utterly wasted. According to the site, the best way to appreciate it is to place sugar on a spoon and gently pour the Absinthe over the sugar, then slowly pour some water over the sugar until it melts, and stir with the spoon.
(Sticking a funnel into your mouth and upending the bottle into it is not advised, then.)

There are almost as many traditions and rules as there are at a Japanese tea ceremony. I wonder if I could advertise my services as an Absinthe master and teach people how to mix the stuff. I could probably blag this after reading the site.

This site only sells the classy, good Absinthe. We’re told to buy the French and Swiss brands which stick to the original recipe, and avoid low-price bottles from Eastern Europe- the ones which are about 90% proof and have over-the-top, trippy labels with pictures of spaced-out hippies, and names like “Head-Mash Absinthe.”

You can even buy absinthe-spoons and fountains from Buy Absinthe Alcohol, and have a decadent, psychedelic version of a fondue party.
It’s obviously been put together by someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of Absinthe- there’s a comprehensive history of the drink, a list of absinthe cocktails, and various facts and trivia about the intoxicating green moonshine. Did you know…?
- It was invented in the 1600s by a French doctor who used it to cure ailments like period pains and rheumatism.
- It was banned during World War 1 because it was thought to make people lazy or imbalanced and likely to commit a crime? Yikes!
- It’s illegal to make or sell it in the US, but not to drink or own it. That’s a tricky rule to get around!

Anyway, I’m getting thirsty, so here’s a link to the site: Buy Absinthe Alcohol
Read more about absinthe on this absinthe blog.

Today I begrudgingly wandered around the overheated department stores of Tokyo looking for stuff to buy my family and friends, and stumbled upon some rather original gifts. So, if you’re at a loss for Christmas present ideas, look no further.

Tokyu Hands is always a good place for frivolously blowing money on meaningless novelty tat like fluffy dog-turds and Mexican wrestler masks, as I learned the stupid way a few months ago, after drunkenly stumbling in there, post-pub, and buying a Japanese version of the classic game, “Pop-Up Pirate,” with the pirate inexplicably wearing black leather bondage gear. The mind-boggling array of moderately amusing plastic trash in Tokyu Hands makes it the last resort for the totally desperate shopper, who really can’t think of a present to buy that difficult relative. I went there first, to save time. Inside, I spotted some characteristically odd seasonal gifts, like this startlingly realistic roast-turkey-hat.

This is sure to be snapped up by infantile office pranksters to wear at their Christmas parties (before they trudge forlornly home, alone, to eat their Christmas KFC.)
Being a true romantic, I think I’ll buy one for my girlfriend. I’m sure she’ll love it.

Tokyu Hands also had these charming “his n’ hers” flesh-coloured socks, complete with painted nails for the ladies, and hairs for the gentlemen. Perfect for Mum and Dad.

If you’re looking for a more practical present you could do a lot worse than the Robomop, a robotic mop which cleans the kitchen all buy itself- a lazy person’s dream. I’d be tempted to buy one for myself if my kitchen wasn’t the size of a Monopoly board.

If Robomop doesn’t tickle your fancy, here’s a cute, new idea- give a loved one’s toilet a makeover. Tokyu Hands will convert a dull, conventional commode into a souped-up, supercharged robocrapper. Pimp someone’s Potty this Xmas!

My next port of call was the mysteriously-monikered “Donkey Hotei”. The name seems to be a pun on “Don Quixote,” but I’m not sure what the connection to 17th Century Spanish literature is, since it’s a big shop cluttered with multi-coloured junk and shelves overspilling with cheap and cheerful novelty goods. I came here hoping to buy some toys for my nephews and nieces, and was alarmed to find this diabolical contraption in the toy department, of all places.

It seems to be a microscope for analyzing your own jizz. Evidently sperm are the new sea monkeys. But what kind of warped sicko watches his own tadpoles wriggling around for entertainment?
I suppose if you have a teen-aged brother, he’d make use of it.

This wasn’t my only shocking discovery on my quest for toys. A toy shop in Ginza was still selling these decidedly un-pc Golliwogs. Be careful who you give one of those to for Christmas, or you might be banded a bastard.

I decided to pass on the Gollies, and look for something a little less controversial for the kids.
I have to say, toy-shopping in Tokyo is endless fun, and Japan leads the world in producing cool stuff for kids. There are endless supplies of quirky, high-tech gizmos and cuddly characters to be found on every street of Tokyo.
A character that has become popular recently is the “Oshiri Kajiri Mushi” (buttock-biting bug.) An infestation of fleas is not normally cause for celebration, but this character, pictured below, has taken the nation by storm this year, and even released a chart-topping single.

I bought some Oshiri Kajiri Mushi toys, and so ended my Christmas shopping adventure. I think I made some pretty unique purchases.
At least when you send someone a present from Japan you know they definitely won’t have it already.

When I discovered that Tesco, the massive British supermarket chain, had recently opened a few stores in Japan, I decided to investigate, driven by perverse curiosity and a homesick hunger for baked beans and biscuits. I went to an obscure Tokyo station called Meidaimae, where I got lost trying to find the place, and laughed at my own insanity for going on a lengthy and complicated mission to find something as dull and unappealing as a tin of baked beans. Eventually I found the place, the Tesco sign looking very incongruous in a Japanese suburb. I was pleased to discover a shelf of goods imported from Britain inside, gathering dust. Pretty authentic stuff, as you can see from the dented tin of beans below.

Here’s a link to the Tesco website, if you want to go yourself.