Gaijin Tonic

When bar-owners scratch their chins and try to think up appealing names for their establishments, they usually want words which seem inviting and up-beat. Bright and breezy words like Cheers, that bring forth images of parties and good times, names that would draw in customers like moths to the flame. Not so in Japan!
Take, for instance, Refrain. When you want to let off steam and go a little nuts at night, the last word you want to hear is “refrain”. It’s a word you’d normally see on a list of petty rules on the wall of a swimming pool.

“When you are in this bar, please refrain from eating, talking, drinking, smoking and chewing gum. Strictly no fun allowed!”

Speak Low is a bar with a name that would be more suitable for a library. I can imagine a waspish woman sitting behind the bar, hissing “shhh!” every time you open your mouth to speak.

There is another bar in Tokyo called Prison.

What less pleasing environment could you imagine for a Saturday night party, than a cold, sterile jail cell? A sign on the website says “welcome to prison.”

That’s as terrifying a phrase as I’ve ever heard. I wonder if, for the sake of authenticity, there is a tattooed psychopath waiting to attack you in the toilet. Don’t drop the soap when you’re washing your hands!

Despite the ominous names, I’m sure all these bars are perfectly fun places to hit. Names can be deceptive. I mean, look at Goofy’s Bar. With a name like that, you’d expect the walls to be covered with Disney pictures, whoopee-cushions on the seats and a buck-toothed guffawing moron behind the bar, whistling “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah”.
Wrong! Take a look:

And now, for the benefit of anyone who might be planning a visit, is another list of various western-style bars in Yokohama city.

PLAYERS BAR

This quirky bar is decorated from floor to ceiling with retro record sleeves, has glass cases full old toys and vintage Americana, and shows 80s music videos on a big screen. As a tasteless nostalgia-addict, it’s just my scene!
The food is terrible and the drinks are overpriced but, mysteriously, there are always many more women than men in this place, which is a very attractive selling point.
Players Bar
TEｌ：045-323-6866

THE FULL MONTY

A friendly British pub, which was recently relocated from an obscure suburb in the outskirts of Yokohama to the much more central Kannai district, The Full Monty has lots of imported ales and stouts on tap, as well as commendably large and authentic fish n’ chips and meat pies. The landlord is similarly authentic- a large, rosy-faced, bald, football-fanatic.
Despite the name of the place, there are (mercifully) no male strippers in attendance.
Full Monty British Pub, Tonnan Bldg 2Fl, 1-4-2Tokiwachou, Naka-ku,Yokohama-Shi
Tel: 045-212-2974

THE GREEN SHEEP

The Green Sheep is an Irish pub, conveniently close to West exit of Yokohama station (and directly next to the cheesy 80s soul club, Bar Luther, where you can go dancing afterwards.)
As the surreal and cute name of the place suggests, The Green Sheep is run by Japanese folks rather than actual Irish people so, while the menu and atmosphere aren’t very authentic, it has a pleasantly off-kilter, Japanized vibe. They serve the delicious “Yona Yona Ale,” and have live music events.
The Green Sheep
The Green Sheep, 1F, 2-10-13 Minami-saiwai, Nishi-ku, Yokohama 220-0005
Tel: 045-321-0950

THE LAST WALTZ

A poky little bar located down an obscure side street near Yokohama station, The Last Waltz is themed around Country Rock Bands like The Band and The Eagles. This kind of music is fine accompaniment to a few slightly pricey drinks (and some tasty fish and chips). It’s worth popping in here for a change of scenery once in a while, but you might get economy-class-syndrome from being cramped against the bar if you stay too long.
Last Waltz
TEL:045-441-5388

THRASH ZONE

For a thrash-metal-themed watering-hole, this joint is far more sophisticated than you might expect. I mean, check out the tasteful picture above! Even though they blast out heavy-metal tunes by the likes of Slayer, Pantera and Sepultura, the decor in Thrash Zone is subtle and the barman is very up-beat and welcoming. A weirdly incongruous blend of two worlds, (which is something I always enjoy). More importantly, Thrash Zone has several rare and scrumptious local micro-brewery beers on tap! It’s probably the best destination in Yokohama for beer-fans, even if you don’t like thrash-metal.
Thrash Zone
Paseri Bldg 2F, Tsuruyacho 2-19-8, Yokohama
Tel: 045-514-9947.

THE TAVERN

The best-known British pub in the area, this underground boozer shows live sport, and has a happy hour every weekday- all-you-can-drink Australian beer and selected cocktails from 6 to 8PM for 1900 yen. They also do an excellent traditional carvery on Sunday lunchtimes- all-you-can-eat roast beef and lamb for 1500 yen. Yum yum! A fine destination for gluttons. The Tavern also has carpets, barstools and wallpaper straight out of Coronation Street, and a middle-aged purveyor of appalling puns behind the bar.
The Tavern B1 Nishiguchi Meiwa Bldg, 2-14 Minami Saiwai Cho, Nishi Ku, Yokohama.
Tel. 045-322-9727

STOVES

A perennial favourite for ex-pats and tourists, Stoves, not far from the West exit of Yokohama station, serves up burgers and tex-mex food, and has a lively, party-time atmosphere. I generally only go there if I’m in the mood for some daytime drinking, because they have half-price drinks from 12 until 5PM every day. Nice!
Stoves
Tel：045-312-2278

PARTY ANIMALS

Located directly above the unique Characters Bar (a delightfully weird flea-market/bar I frequent), Party Animals is worth popping into if you’re in the area. Contrary to the bar’s name, the atmosphere inside is relatively subdued- you wont be forced to wear a toga and pour beer over your head while screeching “party on, duderino!” shortly before perpetrating a panty-raid, smoking super-skunk, and super-glueing a naked nerd to a comatose donkey… Unfortunately.
They have got a dart board though. And alcoholic beverages.
Party Animals
Kikuya Bldg, 2F, 1-19 Ishikawachyo, Naka-Ku, Yokohama-Shi 〒231-0868
Tel: 045-664-3434

You can read about some fun and bizarre novelty bars in Yokohama here.

The Italian restaurant below took my interest not because they spelled “Italian” with an “R”, but because its name is not Italian but English, and it has nothing at all to do with cuisine (unless they serve kitten pizzas.) Apparently the Japanese obsession with all things cute even infects the restaurant industry!

The stories I’ve written that consistently get the most hits are one about a penis-themed festival in Kawasaki, and one called “beer and bikinis” about Japanese beer posters.
This is largely down to people Googling the word “penis” or the word “bikini” and then finding my site. Now, I can see why people might be drawn to something called “Beer and Bikinis,” as they are two very fine things, but the story isn’t so great. To compensate, I made a much better post featuring lots of women in bikinis holding foaming glasses of beer but, bafflingly, no-one ever reads that! I’m curious to see what happens as a result of me writing a post called “penis and bikinis.”

Thanks to Frank for this picture of a weirdly-named dentist’s in Yokohama. The sign looks like something you might see hanging outside an old British country pub. “Ye Olde Dentist.” Perhaps it’s painless because they’re tranquilizing the patients with pints of brown ale.

Visitors to Japan find much amusement in the high-tech toilets. You know, the sort of futuristic robo-crappers that C3PO might drop his techno-turds into. Tourists point and guffaw at the heated seat and the panel of buttons so complex you need a pilot’s license to operate.
I wasn’t laughing, however, when I was puking into one of them the other day.

In a state of drunken delirium I had blithely missed my last train home from Tokyo after a frenzied drinking session, and had to stay on my friend’s sofa. His classy new apartment was equipped with a space-age lavatory and, early the next morning, I was kneeling in front of it, miserably spewing up the acidic contents of my guts. I felt bloody awful and deeply regretted the three pints of gin and tonic I had knocked back towards the end of the night.

After some considerable time I finally stopped heaving and I reached blindly for the control panel to flush the toilet. However, as I fumbled feebly with with the buttons, I somehow made the mistake of operating the bidet function instead. As the sudden jet of scalding hot water hit me in the face, startling me and drenching my shirt, I sorely missed the traditional, cold porcelain toilets of home.

There are two reasons not to eat from the “wanko menu” at this cafe in Tama Plaza, Yokohama. A: It sounds like the chef’s been jacking off into the soup, and B: it’s dog food. “Wanko” means “puppy.” It seems that serving pricey gourmet grub to chihuahuas and dachsunds is the latest development in Japan’s obsession with cute, fluffy creatures. This is my second wanko food sighting in a week (check out the wanko ice cream, a few posts below.)
I wonder how “cute” these pooches will be when they look like bloated, sweaty, hairy grubs, waddling and wheezing down the street, laying turds the size of boa constrictors! If that happens, poor old Fido will quickly be replaced with whichever animal is featured in the latest hit TV commercial.
Remember, kids, a wanko is for life, not just for Christmas.

Today I begrudgingly wandered around the overheated department stores of Tokyo looking for stuff to buy my family and friends, and stumbled upon some rather original gifts. So, if you’re at a loss for Christmas present ideas, look no further.

Tokyu Hands is always a good place for frivolously blowing money on meaningless novelty tat like fluffy dog-turds and Mexican wrestler masks, as I learned the stupid way a few months ago, after drunkenly stumbling in there, post-pub, and buying a Japanese version of the classic game, “Pop-Up Pirate,” with the pirate inexplicably wearing black leather bondage gear. The mind-boggling array of moderately amusing plastic trash in Tokyu Hands makes it the last resort for the totally desperate shopper, who really can’t think of a present to buy that difficult relative. I went there first, to save time. Inside, I spotted some characteristically odd seasonal gifts, like this startlingly realistic roast-turkey-hat.

This is sure to be snapped up by infantile office pranksters to wear at their Christmas parties (before they trudge forlornly home, alone, to eat their Christmas KFC.)
Being a true romantic, I think I’ll buy one for my girlfriend. I’m sure she’ll love it.

Tokyu Hands also had these charming “his n’ hers” flesh-coloured socks, complete with painted nails for the ladies, and hairs for the gentlemen. Perfect for Mum and Dad.

If you’re looking for a more practical present you could do a lot worse than the Robomop, a robotic mop which cleans the kitchen all buy itself- a lazy person’s dream. I’d be tempted to buy one for myself if my kitchen wasn’t the size of a Monopoly board.

If Robomop doesn’t tickle your fancy, here’s a cute, new idea- give a loved one’s toilet a makeover. Tokyu Hands will convert a dull, conventional commode into a souped-up, supercharged robocrapper. Pimp someone’s Potty this Xmas!

My next port of call was the mysteriously-monikered “Donkey Hotei”. The name seems to be a pun on “Don Quixote,” but I’m not sure what the connection to 17th Century Spanish literature is, since it’s a big shop cluttered with multi-coloured junk and shelves overspilling with cheap and cheerful novelty goods. I came here hoping to buy some toys for my nephews and nieces, and was alarmed to find this diabolical contraption in the toy department, of all places.

It seems to be a microscope for analyzing your own jizz. Evidently sperm are the new sea monkeys. But what kind of warped sicko watches his own tadpoles wriggling around for entertainment?
I suppose if you have a teen-aged brother, he’d make use of it.

This wasn’t my only shocking discovery on my quest for toys. A toy shop in Ginza was still selling these decidedly un-pc Golliwogs. Be careful who you give one of those to for Christmas, or you might be banded a bastard.

I decided to pass on the Gollies, and look for something a little less controversial for the kids.
I have to say, toy-shopping in Tokyo is endless fun, and Japan leads the world in producing cool stuff for kids. There are endless supplies of quirky, high-tech gizmos and cuddly characters to be found on every street of Tokyo.
A character that has become popular recently is the “Oshiri Kajiri Mushi” (buttock-biting bug.) An infestation of fleas is not normally cause for celebration, but this character, pictured below, has taken the nation by storm this year, and even released a chart-topping single.

I bought some Oshiri Kajiri Mushi toys, and so ended my Christmas shopping adventure. I think I made some pretty unique purchases.
At least when you send someone a present from Japan you know they definitely won’t have it already.

In Japan, Halloween seems to get bigger and more visible each year. Maybe it’s due to all those Akihabara cos-play freaks, happy for a new excuse to dress up. Or perhaps it’s thanks to the growing hordes of “Gothic Lolita” girls and Visual-Kei fans, with their celebration of all things macabre and nocturnal. I suspect the party decoration manufacturers, costume-designers and makers of plastic skeletons have something to do with it, since the shops are all festooned-with tacky Halloween-related merchandise.

Of course, it’s the sugar-coated family version of Halloween that seems to be taking the nation by storm, all smiling pumpkins and Casper the Friendly Ghost. Most of the young Japanese folks I know are too sweet-natured to enjoy horror films, and would have to be treated for post-traumatic stress disorder if they were to watch a movie featuring a hideously disfigured psychopath wielding a blood-dripping chainsaw. But, then again, somebody must be renting those DVDs of Saw and Hostel that line the shelves in my local video shop.

Halloween even threatens to overtake traditional, homegrown festivals of fear, like Setsubun, (when children pelt soy beans at a member of their family wearing a devil mask), or the the Namahage festival, (which takes place in Akita prefecture and involves an adult in a terrifying monster mask visiting the houses of local families and scaring the piss out of small children until they cry.)

Yep, Halloween is definitely becoming a big deal in Japan, so here are a few ideas on how to celebrate the day in style.

To warm up, you could watch some classic Japanese horror movies. The unsettling atmospherics of Ring or Juon are suitably scary for the occasion. However, for many foreigners in Japan the frightening occurrences in these films are part of everyday life- spooky staring kids, indecipherable phone calls, and late night encounters with long-haired ladies. Guffaw, guffaw!
My favourite J-horror is Wild Zero, a super-charged, rock n’ roll zombie flick, in which the sunglasses-wearing rockabilly punk band, Guitar Wolf, have to protect Japan from rampaging zombies.

The film features UFOs, a transsexual damsel in distress, and a naked woman shooting zombies with a gun.
Enough said.

Alternatively, if you want to paint the town blood-red, you could hit one of Tokyo’s eerie eateries, such as the Vampire Cafe, a shrine to bloodsuckers, with crucifixes and coffins for decorations, or Alkatraz ER, a bizarre, prison-hospital-themed izakaya, where you can drink from test tubes, and your “cell” is periodically invaded by an escaped maniac in an ice-hockey mask. In Yokohama you can knock back novelty cocktails like “Dr Jekyll’s Potion” at the Frankenstein-themed 3 Bozu Cafe, or you could even go to a creepy bar named Halloween which celebrates the festival all year round.
On sunday afternoon, I recommend joining the cabal of costumed loonies at Kawasaki’s demented Halloween parade, which I wrote about here. The after party in Club Citta is mental- don’t miss the opportunity to witness such surreal spectacles as Pikachu dancing with Michael Myers.

This is also a fun time of year to visit an amusement park. While crowds of epic proportions flock to Tokyo Disneyland to see the Halloween parade, truly daring folk might like to try the Haunted House at Fuji Q Highland. I’ve heard it’s horrifying and lasts 40 minutes, during which you have to navigate your way through darkened passageways, while costumed actors leap out at you, screaming (although, in typical Japanese fashion, they bow and apologize afterwards. “Sumimasen, sumimasen.”) However, that sounds like a walk in the park to me, compared with Fuji Q’s trauma-inducingly fast and steep rollercoasters, which are sure to turn your shit white, and induce nightmares in even the hardiest of souls.
If you’re particularly fearless, maybe you could host your own illegal Halloween rave in this spine-chillingly scary disused fun park in Tohoku.

Finally, you might like to indulge in the innocent Japanese past-time of curling up with a creepy comic book. I recommend Uzumaki, a nightmarish and trippy horror fantasy, or Hell Baby, about a deformed, demonic, killer infant.

Personally, I think it would be fun to do all of the above, while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs. That would be quite a story. On the down side, you’d subsequently be mentally unhinged and have sparks flying out of your head for the rest of your natural life.

Yokohama is Japan’s second biggest city, but it’s only 30 minutes from Tokyo by train, so most people hit the capital when they want to get utterly mashed and party on down. Yokohama does have a few of its own cool and unique bars and restaurants, though. Below are a list, in no special order, of my own personal favourite freaky hang-outs in Yokohama.

1: BAR LUTHER

First off, a Luther-Vandross-themed nightclub. How’s that for starters? Bar Luther is the best place near Yokohama station to dance like a sex-machine. The DJ spins classic 80s soul tunes courtesy of Prince, Hot Chocolate, and Vandross. There are even floor-to-ceiling mirrors and a disco ball. And all without a trace of irony. Groovy!
Read more about it here.

Info:
Tel: 0453148993
Bar Luther Homepage

2. CHARACTERS BAR

Looking more like a vintage toy emporium than a drinking hole, Characters, a self-styled “cafe/bar/fleamarket” offers the unique opportunity to drink while browsing for used toys.
Be careful if you get sloshed, or you might become overwhelmed by nostalgia and fork out a fortune for a Gremlins lunchbox or a Flintstones frisbee.
Read more about it here.

Info:
Characters Bar
Kikuya Bldg 1F
1-19 Ishikawa-cho, Naka-Ku,
Yokohama Shi 231-0826
Tel: (045) 6503080

3. THE AMAZON CLUB

The mysterious “Amazon Club” is an oddball eaterie which attempts to replicate the spirit of the secretive hideouts that US soldiers frequented in the fifties. It’s a dimly lit, cavernous place full of unusual and exotic decorative objects, like statues of Betty Boop and the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and pickled snakes in laboratory jars.
Find out more here.

Info:
The Amazon Club
B1 Yokohama Bldg, 3-9 Kaigandori,
Naka-Ku, Yokohama-Shi 231-0002
Tel: 045 664 6101
Website: The Amazon Club

4: HONEY HONEY

Maid cafes aren’t only found in Akihabara, you know. Yokohama has it’s very own maid cafe, “Honey Honey,” a haven for geeks, where TV screens show cartoons, and nubile young ladies in French maid costumes draw pictures on your omelets with squeezy ketchup bottles. Don’t worry, they also sell beer.
You can read more about it here.

Here’s the “Honey Honey” homepage.

5: HALLOWEEN

You can go to this Halloween-themed cafe/bar all year round and act and dress like a weirdo without fear of reprimand. The music is classic Halloween tunes like Transylvania 6-5000 and Monster Mash, and the décor is all pumpkins and ghosts as you’d expect. Disappointingly there are none of the novelty cocktails (like “Dr Jeckyl’s Potion” or “Vampire’s Blood”) I’ve come to expect from these places, but the bar is still worth a visit for the novelty value, and presumably it’s good fun on October 31st.
Read a review here.

Tel: (045) 314-7856.

6: 3 BOZU CAFE

If a cave-based shrine to Frankenstein is your kind of place, you’ll like “3 Bozu Paradise”, a Frankenstein-themed joint hidden in the shadows down a dark side-street near Yokohama station. It’s an eerie eaterie that should please anyone who prefers Hellraiser to Hello-Kitty.
Kick back and have fun, under the leering gaze of a green reanimated corpse statue.
You can learn more here.

Info:
3 Bozu Paradise

Taiyou Building 1F, Minami Saiwai 2-20-12, Nishi-Ku, Yokohama City.
Open from 5pm to 4am
Tel: (04) 5320 3066