Toilet Trouble

Visitors to Japan find much amusement in the high-tech toilets. You know, the sort of futuristic robo-crappers that C3PO might drop his techno-turds into. Tourists point and guffaw at the heated seat and the panel of buttons so complex you need a pilot’s license to operate.
I wasn’t laughing, however, when I was puking into one of them the other day.

In a state of drunken delirium I had blithely missed my last train home from Tokyo after a frenzied drinking session, and had to stay on my friend’s sofa. His classy new apartment was equipped with a space-age lavatory and, early the next morning, I was kneeling in front of it, miserably spewing up the acidic contents of my guts. I felt bloody awful and deeply regretted the three pints of gin and tonic I had knocked back towards the end of the night.

After some considerable time I finally stopped heaving and I reached blindly for the control panel to flush the toilet. However, as I fumbled feebly with with the buttons, I somehow made the mistake of operating the bidet function instead. As the sudden jet of scalding hot water hit me in the face, startling me and drenching my shirt, I sorely missed the traditional, cold porcelain toilets of home.

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14 Responses to Toilet Trouble

  1. Brian says:

    I always wondered what would happen in that situation. Thank you for doing the research for me.

  2. nick says:

    these things hit the ceiling on full power, and always hit the right spot if ur sat on it, makes u think somone might be aiming….
    I have to say if u’ve run out of toilet paper these are the most useful things u would want after a shit

  3. Jon says:

    This happened to me also. I was not drunk but accidentally hit one of the buttons and got blasted on the underside. I jumped up but I did not want water spraying all over my in-laws bathroom so I put my hand over it until I could find the off button.

  4. clarkebruce says:

    Three *pints* of gin and tonic? As in drinking G&Ts out of a pint glass?

    Man, you are hard core.

  5. roaf says:

    Don’t worry, there was lots of ice.

  6. simaldeff says:

    From now on this particular function of the WC should be called wake-your-drunken-friend-that-crashed-at-your-place-function.

  7. roaf says:

    I was thinking that you could say to your friend “hey come and look at this! There’s a baby alligator in the toilet!” and when they look inside and say “I can’t see anything” you can press the button and spray them.

  8. Viet says:

    Next time I visit Japan (or any country with a high tech toilet) I’m gonna man up and use the bidet.

    I was too much of a pussy to use one on my last visit.

  9. roaf says:

    It’s the old-skool squatters that I’m afraid of.

  10. Whenever I sit on one of those futuristic toilets, I always imagine that I’m Captain Kirk on the bridge of the Enterprise. After wiping, I sit back down and hit the bidet button to ‘vaporize’ the Kling-ons.

  11. roaf says:

    Haha! Yeah, the futuristic toilet is probing Uranus.

  12. Karen says:

    So now I know what happens when there isn’t something stopping that stream. I’ve always been quite curious, but certainly wasn’t going to shoot toilet water across my own bathroom. Nor was I willing to try it at a friend’s place without having some major explaining prepared. Thanks for the research and the amusing mental picture!

    And great blog! I’m a new reader and intend to stick around for a long time.

  13. roaf says:

    Thanks, I suffer for my art! Stay tuned!

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